Life is a series of unanswered questions. I don’t think you can debate that, but doesn’t it seem like sometimes these questions can pile up… Or maybe not that’s not the right way to think of it, It’s more like a back up. It’s like the freeway, we are going 5 MPH just waiting to get by one accident, so we can go 15 MPH.
My life has been an accident, sometimes I drive and get right by and get back to 65 no prolem, and others the traffic just doesn’t seem to let up… And I think sometimes I continue at that 5 MPH, just because it’s safe and I’m used to it. It doesn’t matter how much honking there is or people flying by you, we continue at accident speed.
I have been afraid of getting stuck at a broken speed… But it might not be a bad thing. You can’t floor it just because the road is open, or because your car can go faster. Sometimes you have to drive at your own pace and just say f**k the rest of traffic.
I started dating someone a few months ago, first casually, but it soon got more involved… I apparently can drive faster than I thought. But things started to… For lack of a better words, just not feel right, but I was already on the track. And now I have crashed, I didn’t handle it right, and I feel horrible.
I am not the first person to go through a divorce… and not the first to not have wanted it. I’m not holding out for my ex or thinking about her… In fact, I find I am my happiest when I’m just hanging out with my kids. Just the three of us, on adventures, making dinner, reading books, shopping for “big boy panties” or just sitting watching Simpson’s reruns. Our recent vacation was great, it was mostly just us, spending time with us. My ex was part of that us, so when we were together it made sense.. A random third party is not part of that us.
It’s been a year and a half, my Ex is engaged and I hear about how “I’m going to have a step-dad” all the time… I just don’t think I’m ready to introduce a “step-Mom”, and I don’t think I can have a girlfriend that I really care about and not have her working towards that… Trust me I like to have “adult time”, but I don’t think I can handle the results of having it, I am not ready to be controlled or put on a leash yet. I am not being wild, but there are so many unknowns in my current life that having to answer to someone right now just seems beyond my ability.
I loved being a husband, especially Gretchen’s husband, I was very proud… I know I can be ________’s husband or boyfriend, but it has to feel right. So until I can fill that blank, I am very happy to be Lucy and Bing’s Daddy…. A title that will never change! I have no idea what I will ultimately do for a living, where I will end up, but in those tiny arms, the word “Daddy” filling my ears, I am always happy.