DadJack.com Blog

I pushed the coffee table into a corner… Although, I don’t know why I call it that, I hate coffee, it’s more of a coloring, sippy cups really aren’t spill proof, “dad, the yogurt dripped” table.  Turned on the TV and found the ABC comedies, Modern Family (Very funny, really in the vein of true situation comedies), In The Middle (funny, but not super original, it smacks of Malcolm In The Middle, but with a weaker cast) and Cougar Town (It’s hard for me to believe Courtney Cox is struggling with love, I’ll take her!) and sat on the floor.  I surrounded myself with all the tools of the trade… transparent tape, the best wrapping paper Big Lots has to offer, scissors, self adhesive gift tags (remember those little cardboard tags with a string attached we had when we were kids… Well, now like stamps, you just peel and stick ‘em!)  and the gifts I think my kids will love.

It was very important to me to not have one child appear to get more gifts than the other… Especially with money being so tight, I couldn’t get all the things I would have wanted to for each of them.  It was easier when Bing was still a baby (Not a “Big Boy” like he is now, he had no clue how many gifts he received… And to be honest, he still doesn’t care, but it bugs me if things are not fair! The challenge of being broke really made me focus on what they really would like, it was actually a benefit, I had to get them things they really, really wanted… Not that I don’t always do, I love gift giving, and always try to find the perfect gift that says “I wholeheartedly thought of you and picked out what I thought you’d love.”

But, the shopping process is over, tonight is all about wrapping.  I sit in my zone and begin the process of cutting and taping… And I am swept with an incredible feeling of sadness.  Alone, in my little apartment, on Dec 23rd, taping and cutting.  This was time my wife and I spent together, this was our project.  I won’t lie, there were times when I was out shopping for the kids that I saw things that I wanted to buy for her, gifts I would have given.  It makes me hate myself, I know who she is now, I know what she did to me, and yet I still saw things I thought would make her smile, would let her know ” I knew who she was,” or that I had listened to her.  My stomach turned a little, I want to be done, I want to walk through the mall and think of the kids, my Mom, My Sister, Ethan, Stench, my mail person, anyone but her.  It’s been a year and a half, the pain should subside (and much of it has), but tonight on this floor in North Hollywood, I remember my old life, my past wife, who would sit with me on the floor wrapping the gifts that I deemed beyond my paper folding and taping skills.  It was our family time, kids asleep, dog curled up on the couch watching the insanity, she making each package look like a work of art and me folding and taping like a butcher named Art. Me building a gift or two, she sitting back sipping tea making fun of my swearing and frustration, tools flying, directions being read and reread.  finally going to bed, her warmth next to me, knowing we’ll be up in just a few hours to watch all our work be admired by tiny eyes and ripped apart by equally small hands.

But tonight, I wrap alone, packages roughly assembled with love.  My heart in every fold and taped corner.  Alone, I place them under the tree (The kids won’t be here until after Christmas morning, so I can stage the scene early).  By now I have switched the channel to Conan and sit on the sofa in my empty apartment.  I miss my old life, I miss my past wife, I wish the kids were here to spill juice on the “coffee table” and there was a dog to curl up in its space.  I wish the holidays were about stress and being busy, instead of loss and loneliness.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 24th, 2009 at 12:55 am and is filed under DadJack Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.