Who Am I?
I went for a long walk today. It was a beautiful day today, it was what I call “fake hot”, because every time you were shielded from the direct sunlight you could feel the coolness of winter hiding in the shadows. The path I choose was a tour of my old life and my new one. I started out in North Hollywood where I live alone, in my small apartment, unemployed and lately, feeling hopeless. I headed south down Lankershim to Riverside Drive and went East. There I walked the sidewalks of my past, the places I went when my life was going at it’s best, the restaurant and bars where everyone knew me, the boutiques my wife would shop while I sat holding her purse. Past the building I met her in, where I worked with the greatest people, the setting of my daughters first birthday. I headed North up Hollywood Way, passing the street I lived on in High School, and continued West on Magnolia, heading right back towards reality.
I noticed that as my walk went on I would turn up my Ipod, normally I keep it at about half volume, allowing me to hear the outside world as I slowly pass it on it’s white concrete sidewalks. But today, I wanted to be alone in public, just me walking… And to be honest, I could have just kept walking, until my legs gave out. The sounds of the valley, of my small world, blocked out, I viewed all I passed with my own soundtrack, and my own inner dialogue.
What if this is it? All of my dreams realized, what if all I have left is who I am? And if so, who am I? I have always defined myself by things so easily taken from me… Husband, Radio Producer, Father. Who am I now? I will never be the husband I once was, I don’t think I can again be as trusting and open, after having those things used as a weapon to destroy me. It’s been a year and a half since I have been able to make a living in radio, and the future of the industry is uncertain, so that may be over too. I am still a Father, but only a percentage of the time, who am I the 70% of time that I am childless?
I have considered giving up the blogging and podcast, removing myself from all public forums. But I haven’t figured out if it is really over yet? I haven’t figured out who I am. Maybe tomorrow I’ll walk in a totally different direction, maybe I’ll stumble upon me?
Tags: Dreams, Husband, Riverside Drive, Walking
January 7th, 2010 at 12:44 am
No, Jack!!! Don’t give up your blog or the podcast! Things will get better. They will. It’s rough for everyone right now… Really.
Have you ever considered putting all your blogs into a book?!!
January 7th, 2010 at 1:35 am
Hmm, Im not sure why you think you should give up the pod or the blogs. Even if you arent in radio, the pod and the blogs arent over. You ARE a public figure in these mediums. I thought you really enjoyed the pods and blogs and I don’t understand how giving up something you really enjoy will help your situation in any way. Of course if the job you get is not compatible, then it will be time to prioritize, but for now, you are making some money with the pod, we all love you, I thought you loved doing it.
January 7th, 2010 at 7:08 am
No Jack…don’t ever stop writing! Your blog today is starting to make me worry about you……do you not realize how many people you don’t even know, care so much about you? Everyday I look forward to reading your blog, I’m sure I am not alone that I get disappointed when there is nothing new posted from you.
You are still young and you are just beginning to realize your dreams Jack. Please don’t give up on finding love again, Sparkles was NOT your soulmate, if that were true, she wouldn’t have done what she did. She is the big loser in all of this, I know for sure that she will realize that one day, and I hope when she does, that it’s too late to get you back. I know you don’t like to hear bad things about her, I realize she’s the ‘mother’ of your children, but I have met people like her before. I don’t have to meet her to know her. We all wish things could go back to the way they were when you guys were happy together, but you can’t, so hold your head up high and remember all you DO have is who you are, and some lucky woman is going to cherish that and appreciate you for all you are! I agree with Beth’s comments above. I wish we all could have a friend as good as you.
January 7th, 2010 at 10:47 am
ditto
January 7th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
You ARE something to us, Jack. You are what makes our day brighter. We are not the same when we don’t have a podcast to listen to. We so look forward to hearing you.
And that is something to be very proud of, Jack.
While I love you and Stench together, I kind of liked ‘Just Jack.’
You are a terrific person, Jack (even if you don’t really like hockey).
You are a fantastic father to your two kids and you know they think the world of you. 100% of the time. As do we. Please don’t ever forget that.
A job does not define you. Being the father you are to those two little ones? Well, that just might
January 7th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
Please don’t give up the podcast!!! And please don’t stop blogging. I am a huge fan of both!!! Jack we need you!!! And your children need you even more!! Don’t give up on yourself. You are who you are. A man with a good soul. Your luck will change. Just give it a chance.
January 7th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Jack, you mean the world to so many of us… we all have grown so much in the friendship that you have shared with us, your life, loves, lost loves, and being just a plain old human with REAL feelings and thoughts… I too, look forward to each days blog and the podcast and would be absolutely lost without it… I feel like you are family and don’t want to loose you for good… please take time to weigh the odds and we are certainly here to listen to you and help you through any rough patches (share in the good times, too)… love you to bits, Diane from the Tragic Kingdom
January 8th, 2010 at 11:47 am
Hey Jack don’t be so hard on yourself. In the scheme of things you are in a great place compared to many others. I know it’s easy to get down on yourself and get depressed but you have to know things will get better. At times it seems like things are just not changing for the better, but trust me it will. Be patient and listen to the people. We love you, your blogs and the podcast. One day you will look back on all of this and realize we are all right!
January 8th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Hey, Jack!! Don’t even think about quitting the podcast or the blogging!! I also am one of those people who look forward to what you have to say everyday. What bums me out is that this blog sounds so sad and I was thinking to myself that you sounded like you were in such a good place lately!! I also had a dream about you last night (it was because of the email you guys read the other day about the married woman kissing someone and how you got mad!) In my dream you were mad at me for being a kissing cheater on my husband (oh, no!!) and I woke up really upset!! Obviously, you have quite an impact on my life and on everyone who reads and listens to you guys!!
Keep your head up and don’t give up ever!!
January 10th, 2010 at 9:09 pm
Jack – Facebook inspired me to come over and look at the redesign but I stayed for the content. I think sometimes in these walks where we tune out the world we forget that there are people walking the exact same path as we are. I could have written these exact words on this exact day. Blogging is a tool to help you not feel alone and to get your thoughts out. So keep on walking and sharing, you will find the path. Lalena