I realized that my life is in kind of a weird limbo. I have slowly regained what most consider a normal life back… I have my own place, a job, car, et cetera. But really I live two lives, one when the kids are over and we go do things, hang with friends and enjoy ourselves… And then a second of isolation that occurs when I’m kidless where I mainly stay home and save the podcast and work have very little other human contact. This is part because of the weird hours I keep and part due to a lack of desire.
The other day we were driving in the car and Lucy asked “Daddy when are you going to get married?” Now marriage is top of her mind because her Moms wedding is just weeks away, thus it’s been a big topic in that household. This question got me thinking about my Dad (and how I fear I will turn into him, seeing the similarities in the way our lives have played out). After he and my Mom divorced (Mind you, under very different circumstances than my divorce) he dated a few women. There was one he was pretty interested in (even at my young age I could tell)… But tragically, she killed herself during their relationship. I think this was the last punch he could take, because after that he moved on to a safer bet… Someone who owned their own home (solving a housing issue he had, as he too had gone through a bankruptcy) and who for lack of a better word was crazy and either wouldn’t leave him and if she did I don’t think he would have cared.
It was when he got into this relationship that a rift developed between he and his children. She is a horrible person, but she suited his needs and to their credit they are still together today. I, on the other hand, have no desire to just be with someone, especially based on financial reasons. Through the whole divorce process I felt “owned” due to my lack of power… The court system owned me, controlling when I saw my children then and for the duration of our lives, deciding how much money I was allowed to keep (At one point they ruled I had to give up more than 90% of my take home pay), My Ex owned me and still does in that she can threaten legal action that she knows I cannot afford if I contest her decisions, so the idea of getting into a relationship I feel owned in couldn’t be less desirable.
I’m not one of those people that has to be with somebody… We all have those friends who are never single and constantly have to be with someone. I would rather never again be in a relationship than to be with someone just to fill a relationship void. After going through what I have the last 2 1/2 years I will seriously think things through before allowing myself to trust someone wholly and completely.
So I explained to Lucy on that car ride that Daddy didn’t need to get married… And then she said something that really broke my heart. She said “But if you did our step-mom could watch us while you’re at work.” She was really just looking for a way to visit longer… With my new work schedule the kids can only come over midweek if my Mom is available to stay the night and watch them. And again I thought about my Dad and how I may be following the same course, he distanced himself from my sister and me through a relationship and I am doing it through work… The only difference is I have to work and given the current economic environment I can’t be too picky. So I try and make the best of the time I have with them and not begin a rift that my Dad let tear further and further apart until there was no way to across the valley created.