DadJack.com Blog

In hindsight it all seemed to happen so fast… The papers are filed, the battles are fought and then you are divorced.  But there is a part of it that lingers for years, slowly decaying.  And I don’t mean the child custody part, that will last until the kids are 18, that is a given.  It the the little reminders and remainders.  I’m sure most of you who have gone through it, like me, could not afford to start totally from scratch.  Possessions are split up, divided between both parties, each person taking what was yours and a piece of what was ours.  In my case I got what was mine and what was left after she took what she wanted.  Still many of the basics were left and I needed them to restart my life… plates, housewares, bathroom stuff, you know everyday life stuff.

This weekend the kids and I were all in the bathroom brushing our teeth together (I have to supervise to make sure it gets done and there isn’t just a quick swipe and spit!)  and the cup we use to rinse fell and broke.  I wasn’t upset, the kids were slightly startled, I cleaned up the pieces and found another cup to use.  That cup was something from my past life, a relic from a time a little over 3 years ago that seems like a lifetime ago.  I was not saddened, in fact I was kind of relieved.  With every broken bathroom cup, shattered plate that slips out of wet hands during washing, towel ripped in the washing machine, a little bit of that life is taken away and my world becomes a little more mine again.

It happens slowly, pieces of that life crumble like glaciers eventually breaking off and floating away.

There are many times we find ourselves  in the middle …  Although many are denial and wait until they are older to claim it,  I am in the middle of my life. (And that’s only if I make it to 80… odds are against me!)  I’ve been in the middle of scandals… Two instantly come to mind: A “friend” cheated on his girlfriend while she was out of town and contracted VD which he promptly gave to her and then claimed he was hanging out with me and not random tramps (you have a better chance of me helping you cover up a murder than you do of me helping you cheat).  The second was when a large company I once worked for told me to cover up a sexual assault and if I didn’t I would be fired ( I didn’t do it and wasn’t immediately fired, although I don’t think they had access to my deposition).  I have been in the middle of a divorce… at the time I didn’t know it was the middle, it seemed as if it would never end.  I have even been in the middle of a couple riots…  Not that all middles are bad, they’re just the ones that come to mind.

Most mornings when the kids are here Bing is the first to wake…  And it’s usually early.  Normally I hear him get up, it’s not easy being Bing in the A.M.  You have to find Baby who often travels around the bed at night, locate any other  items that are currently important to you (right now it’s a stuffed animal version of Baby, an Angry Bird and two stuffed cupcakes – vanilla and chocolate), grab a Hot Wheel or two, maybe make a stop at the potty and then come in to wake up Dad.

When I was married I had a side of the bed… as I dare think all married couples do, I’ve never met a pair that said they change sides on a regular basis.  I was the right side if you were lying in the bed.  On my nightstand was the alarm clock, the one that was set to go off at 3:30am for years, but I would usually wake up a few minutes before it was to go off and turn it off.  There was a framed photo of Lucy and I sleeping together, she a tiny baby in the crook of my arm. (that’s still by my bed)  I would set my cell phone there to charge, it’s glowing numbers competing with the clock.  From my side of the bed I could easily glance over and see the time, instantly calculating how much time I had to sleep before the alarm would sound.  On my left slept my wife, I only had to move a few inches to feel her next to me and know she was there.  This was my position for my entire marriage… and for a longtime after.

Sunday morning I did not hear Bing as he gathered his menagerie, I was still deep asleep when he wondered into my room hands full of stuffed monkeys and faux baked goods.  He made his way to the edge of the bed and yelled “wake up!”  He’s not a subtle little man.  My eyes popped open and I was not near the edge of the bed to meet my Bing bong eye to eye, but I was dead center in the middle.  It struck me that this has become the norm, I no longer need to make room for someone else, I have no need to glance over the edge at an alarm clock that has no reason to ring…  So once again I am stuck in the middle.

I live in a world of opposites. When I am driving to work I pass homes, lights completely dark, occupants nestled warm in there beds. I pass bars and restaurants where people are just leaving, finishing their nights,  not even thinking of the next morning. When I get on the freeway to drive home I pass cars, windows still covered in dew, coffee steaming in their cup holders, their drivers just starting their day, not yet confronted with what it will have to offer. Most parent all week and take a break on the weekends, I am alone all week, waiting to parent on the weekend.

As I leave work in the morning the sun is just rising, usually I drive directly into it as I make my way home. I have always been an admirer of sunsets, watching as the sun dips below the horizon ending the day. Sunrises are not as soothing, unlike their counterpart they gradually get more intense… getting brighter, stronger as it illuminates the sleeping terrain. Sunsets signal a break from the pressures of the day, sunrises are their beginning.

My first job was at Universal Studios, I was 16 and took a summer position at the amusement park. I didn’t have a car, I used to peddle my way up Barham Boulevard to that little access road next to the 101 freeway and up to the employee gate where I would lock-up and head to “wardrobe.” I was placed in the “carts department” which meant I made and sold churros, hot dogs, popcorn, snow cones and cookies. My wardrobe was red polyester type pants, a white shirt and a red apron that doubles as my cash drawer. I don’t have any photos, this was way before cell phone cameras and we never wore our uniforms home… but there are photos somewhere out there, apparently in the 80′s many Japanese tourists hadn’t seen many 6’1” white guys and I was asked to pose for many a photo.

Each task in the carts department came with it’s own dangers. Both hot dogs and popcorn resulted in burns up and down your arms (so many that my drivers Ed teacher pulled me aside to ask if I was being abused at home), snow cones attracted bees, lot and lots of bees (so many that patrons would run off in fear, we were required to be good soldiers and stay with our cart), Churros also caused burns but not nearly as big or as intense and cookies and milk… well, cookies and milk had a totally different risk! At Universal Studio back then the good looking people were made tram guides (I went on the tour last summer with the kids and this no longer seems to be the case!) and they knew that we were aloud a certain amount of damage on the cookie cart (we couldn’t sell broken cookies to guests), so the cute tour guides would flirt with you for free “damaged” cookies which you were fired for giving them if caught.

Management, which was made up of mainly college kids who liked to intimidate high school kids would use threats and fear of termination to get you to work overtime and holidays. I lasted in my polyester, burned arms and broken cookies for one summer.

It’s strange how something as the quality of light can elicit memories. Like smells or familiar landmarks, the way the light shines will remind me of specific times in my life. There is a difference in the intensity, warmth, color and tone of the sunlight between the seasons…. Maybe I notice these anomalies more because of my photography background?

As I drove home from work last Friday, a winter sunrise lifting above the 5 freeway, glaring off the cars that litter the road in front of me, it’s intensity and brightness as biting as the cold of the morning I was reminded of the worst job I ever had.

Again, my life an opposite, I was employed at the most torturous job I ever had while I was out of work. For a year and half between my position as Executive Producer of The Tony and Kris Show and my current stand as Producer of The Insana Quotient, I was ungainfully employed at getting divorced. A job for which I paid to work and toil, endure unimaginable stress and suffer an emotional grind.

You might say that the process is not a job, but it seemed that way to me… There was paperwork, meeting, appointments, a hierarchey of decision makers, there was the stress of deadlines, accounts payable (no receivable!), research and development, brain storming, filing and lots of coping and faxing.

I have often thought back and wondered if it would have been better if I had been working, if there had been a distraction, even if just for 8 hours a day… Maybe some of the torture of the whole process would have been avoided.

I would wake before the sun, shower and put on an ill fitting suit and an ugly tie, make sure I had all the necessary documents and papers in my briefcase and head out to the car, the windows covered in dew, the air cold and bitter. Drive into the sunrise, blinding my barely rested eyes, towards downtown Los Angeles. To the courthouse where the results of my work would be revealed… where the rest of my life would be determined by a stranger.

I used to think that coming home with burns on your arms and the occasional bee sting for a minimum wage paycheck was the worst job I ever had… I was wrong.

Sunday it was announced that the Maconda Well in the Gulf of Mexico has been officially killed.  But we all know that this is not the end.  Damage from the 5 month spill will be felt for generations to come.   The environment, the wildlife and people of the Gulf will not be spared the effects of this disaster for years… And yet the news will taper off and the vast majority of people will move on to tea parties, fires, celebrity drug busts and whatever else is making news that week.

An oil spill is not much different than a divorce.  There is an initial rupture, explosion and all hell breaks loose, then it seems to everyone that it is over… But that too has lasting effects that lie just below the surface.

My well was fully killed  June 24th, 2009 (Easy to remember because it was the day before Michael Jackson died), a cement plug placed by the signature of a judge, holding back the flow of lies and deceit.  Setting forth the ability to rebuild my shattered Jack-o-System.

The only problem is that much like in the Gulf there are still residual problems. (But luckily for the Gulf, their well will most likely stay sealed… My well opens at will, sending a new set of oil soaked drama to my coast.)   My spill will continue to haunt me for a life time, as I fear will the Gulfs.

So as I read the news story detailing the final kill of the spill my heart goes out to the people of the Gulf, knowing that their problems have just begun and we will most likely hear little of the drama that continues just under the surface.

I’ve been divorced 2 1/2 years which means Lucy was 4 when this all started.  Now remember my Ex moved her fiance in right away, so the kids have been subject to that relationship since the beginning of their parents divorce… And yet Lucy still has this desire for my Ex and I to be together.  Now I don’t mean married again (Although she has never addressed it either way), but I mean during exchanges she tries to get us to hang out and spend time together.

I tried to think back to when my parents divorced (Again, under vastly different circumstances and in a much more amicable fashion) and I can’t remember wanting my parents to spend time together… But I’m sure that’s just because I’m old and it has escaped my aging brain.

I think at least for Lucy, there is some comfort having the two of us in the same room… Even if she knows her Dad doesn’t want too.  There is still some place in the back of her little mind that remembers when we were all together and things were not as strange as they are now…  It is kind of sad to witness.

Anyway, that was just on my mind.  Kids, Grandma and I went to Mc Donald’s for lunch yesterday… where Bing proceeded to spill a container of chocolate milk on me.  It could have been anything else, but why milk?  I hate milk, it grosses me out… and it was hot yesterday which made it even more disgusting.  Do you have those weird things that gross you out that other people just don’t get?  I have a few… Milk, Mayo, Finger Snapping (I know, weird… But I hate that “bone on bone” feeling! Insert your own joke here).

It looks like I have a date Saturday night… And he’s big, hairy and sexy!  Stench and I are going to Alina’s birthday party.  Should be fun, I haven’t been out in a long time, and it’s been even longer since I’ve been out with Stench!

It is Shark Week.  Bundchen wants boob law!  Toe type tapps troopers.    parts is parts.  The wrong way to fill your tank.  This is sad. I’m going home and re-watching.  Do you have gray pride?

Rock On, jack

I am so sorry, I haven’t posted in a long time (Sorry, Brian)!  Between the new job and moving I have been swamped.  As I slowly get things unpacked life is returning to normal.  Moving is stressful, no matter how far you move or how much stuff you have.  The good news is life is getting less stressful… I am working (Although there has been some drama), I have some place to live (And the kids and I like it, it is so nice to have more room!) and the Pod is rolling on.  The next thing I have to deal with is my car issue… I just learned yesterday that because of the “Busty Old Car” (That’s what the kids call the old Altima) being hit in the CRN parking lot it was deemed “totaled”, so we can’t just re-register it… So I need to find a cheap, reliable car.  But other than that life is rolling along.

June 24th will be the one year anniversary of being officially divorced (I remember because Michael Jackson died the next day… maybe the grief of my marriage failing was just too much for him.)  It’s really been over 2 years since it all fell apart, it’s weird to think back, I don’t really remember what it was like to be married… Well, that’s not true, I remember the details, I can’t remember what it felt like (If that makes any sense).  I think we kind of just form to our situation and that becomes your reality.  I remember that I liked being married.  I know it was a lot of work.  But my reality is being by myself, seeing the kids on the weekend and trying to find some stability in my life.  I am so sick of uncertainty.  We have all, not just me, been living with so much up in the air for the past years… Will we have jobs? Will things get better? Will we be able to afford our homes or ever be able to buy one?  It wears you down.  I have simple wants, job security with a steady paycheck I can count on and to know things will get better… Things don’t have to be amazing, just slowly get better, so that we can see some hope.

Lucy won a “good deeds” award yesterday… We had no advance notice she was going to receive the award, I would have gone!  It made me very proud… You want your kids to be smart, but if all she does is be kind and helpful, caring and compassionate, I’m OK with that.  Being intelligent doesn’t seem nearly as hard as being compassionate.

Jordan van der Sloot confessed to the murder of a young woman in Peru… I can’t imagine the pain that her parents have gone through, and the pain Natalee Holloway’s parents have endured for the past 5 years.  I don’t think was ever any doubt in anyone’s mind that he had killed Natalee, but I really thought he was a drunk kid who did something stupid and then covered it up, looks like I was wrong, he’s a cold blooded killer.

I know I keep telling you, but I’m really looking forward to it!  Stench and I will be at Farrell’s in Valencia on June 23rd, 7-9pm recording the podcast live.  I really love getting to hang with you all … and ice cream is a bonus!!!!  It’s really a fun place, it’s in a place called Mountasia which has mini-golf, go-carts and a bunch of other stuff that has a “-” between two fun words!

I think Gary was murdered!  A good way to start a marriage?  I see Bing’s future!  They were not meant to marry!  (A lot of marriage talk today!!!)  Just legalize it.  Talk about an old lady!!!

Rock On, Jack

For you East Coast Single Parents:

My name is Michael Raptis and I am a New York Based Casting Director. I am working on a documentary style show that is going to profile some of the hardest working moms and dads in America. We would love to feature a single mom or dad with more than one child (the more children and the younger the better).Only looking for families from the East Coast. I can be reached at the number below if you would like to discuss the show in greater detail. Hope to hear from you soon.

Michael Raptis
Casting Director
Michael_raptis@yahoo.com
917.981.1972

I had my first day on the new job a couple weeks ago, I wasn’t nervous or tense, I was excited, but not in the way I was on so many of my other firsts.  This time I am older, more confident, I know I can do this job, I know I can handle what ever comes at me.

Firsts and lasts are usually very memorable.  I vividly remember my first kiss, my first time on stage as a “talent”, the first time I held my kids.  Stuck in my mind is my last day at Star, the last day I was legally married, the last time I felt my wife loved me.  These events drilled into my head, to many to mention, good and bad… But then it hit me, there are so many I can’t remember.

Lost is the last day I was truly married to my wife, our marriage crumbled over time, I remember key events that lead to it’s demise… But I can’t for the life of me remember the last day it truly felt like we were husband and wife.  The last time we were a real family, I remember us all living together, my kids and I under one roof, it now feels like that was never even real… Real is the fragmented life we lead now.

My life destroyed, and I remember it as a two year trial of pain, an avalanche of lasts.

The strangest part is my life has returned to a collection of firsts.  And like before they have been both good and bad… Although, lately the good have far out numbered the bad.  And now I note moments better, marking them important in my mind, so that no matter what happens from this point on, I will remember first, last and always.

I know there are many of us out there, we were “deforced”, it wasn’t our choice to end our marriages.  The other person made the decisions and now we have to figure out how to deal with it.  It is such a hard process to through when your mentally prepared, let alone when you are caught off guard.   I think I’ve been doing pretty good lately, but there are things I think about.

Last Thursday was Lucy’s parents night at school, I went… I really want to be involved with the kids education.  My Ex ad her fiance went too, I was not surprised, but what I was amazed by the lack of shame.  I have noticed this as a growing trend, people can totally disregard what they have done to other people and be totally absorbed in them.  There is almost a universal train of thought that all that matters is “me” in the immediate.  You see it when you drive, walk through a store, wait in line… People no longer feel bad for treating others poorly, in fact they almost see it as their right to do whatever benefits them without care for results on others….  It makes me sad.

I apologize that this blog is all over the place, but my lack of Wi-Fi has resulted in a pile-up of things I’ve wanted to talk about.

The Manertainment funeral (Friday night on the CRN ) was a lot of fun.  A bunch of Pod-People showed up, there was food and drink and Ed and Lisa provided a “dancer.”  It was weird for me, I guess I never realized how much the site meant to Stench.  I kind of always just thought of it as another porn site with Stench’s gossip report on the front (Which is always great).  But he really felt that it was his place to be “him,”  where he could express his views, likes and dislikes, in just the way he really wanted, without care for the audience it reached.  It has broken his heart to have to end it, I feel so bad for him.  Not to make everything about me (I don’t want to turn into one of those people I don’t like, who has to relate every story to themselves), but I guess I have been lucky, I have always just been the real me… On the radio, on the blog, in person, so I haven’t had to feel repressed like Stench has.  I’m sure he will find a new outlet for his “Stenchness” soon!

Saturday the kids and I went to the Red Bull Soapbox Derby , It was a really cool event.  They took over Grand and 5TH downtown and had a bunch of homemade soapbox cars race down.  And Erik Estrada ( That’s right, Ponch!) was one of the judges.  We arrived a hour and half early, so we got to stand right on the rail at the first jump (there are jumps and turns), Lucy thought it was so cool.  There were over a 100 thousand people there (and it felt like most of them were standing right behind us), so we ducked out after about 8 cars (there were 40 entered).  We headed to California Pizza Kitchen to relax and eat, it was right next to the course.  They were so slammed, the service sucked, it took 45 minutes for the kids to get their food and another 30 to get Lucy a side of Alfredo… My food never came.  So to recap, Soapbox good, CPK bad.

Sunday was going to be all about the pool, but like I’ve been telling you, my building sucks!  The pool was too cold for the kids… and the hot tub was colder!  So we went and played a little tennis and then headed to Burbank to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.  We saw it in IMAX 3D which was fun.  The kids loved it… And I’m not going to lie, I liked it too!  It had a good story, was funny and had enough action to keep even Bing  interested.  I’m really looking forward to Where The Wild Things Are , which comes out in a couple weeks.  I really enjoy Spike Jonze.  But don’t have high hopes for the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland…  I love Johnny Depp, but I think maybe Burton could go with someone else, his Mad Hatter reminds me of his Willy Wonka. ( At least from the trailer).

Again, I side bar, but there have been two women sitting next to me at Panera (All the outside tables were taken, so I had to sit inside) and all they have done is complain!  They’re driving me crazy, I wish another table would open!

Lucy has really been into her art… It makes me so happy, she draws, cuts, pastes, paints and does all kinds of creative stuff. (the annoying women left! Sorry, I sidebar again) I’ll have to scan some of her work and post it.  Bing, on the other hand, is obsessed with bowling…. Do they have bowling classes for 3 year olds?  If so I need to get him enrolled, I may have the future Tiger Woods of bowling on my hands.  Just imagine, he could have his own “Bowling Girl” product line some day!

Don’t forget about Caylee.  Tell your kids to wash their hands!  Ride ‘em Cow-Cop.  I’ll take the cash, beer and a feel.  You need this anymore.  10 gallons and he’s yours.  The right way to see a movie. Another church molester.   Watch out for the brown widow!  And even harder to be married too.

Rock On, Jack

I think this is the one that won!

Go, Hot Sauce, Go!

Incoming Skydivers

People everywhere!

Every wall was a chair

Bing Jean King

Team Lucy/Bing v. Daddy

My little angel