Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Pain in the Heart

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

It sucks to see your kids in pain!  Poor bowling girl waking up screaming because his finger hurts just breaks my heart, all you can do is hold him until the Tylenol kicks in.

Lucy and I got to play some games while Bing napped yesterday, she’s feeling kind of neglected because Bing is getting so much attention… I’ve promised her a special Daddy and Lucy outing as soon as her brother is feeling better.

As I explained on the pod, my birthday was kind of a bust, but I’m hoping for a better 40th!

I feel like such a pig, the rain has kept me from getting out walking and they’re remodeling the gym in my building, it’s been closed for 2 weeks and will be for 2 more.  I need some sun, so I can walk off all the brownies the kids and I ate last weekend!

Stretch should have more news on the job front this week… I would like for at least one of us to be working!

Super Bowl ad already causing trouble.   Lock down causes plate shortage.  That was nice of Rachel.  Quick, pedal. He’s in a little trouble.   Puppy beater convicted.    Happy birthday offspring of that crazy lady.   You’re never too old to steal.  Bad priest. Where not to stay!

Rock On, Jack

My Birthday Curse

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

I’ve never made a big deal out of my birthday, well on my 30th I had a big party, but other than that I kepp it pretty mellow.  But ever since I’ve had kids there seems to be a curse on it!  I always like to do something the kids enjoy on my B-Day, you know, Chuck E Cheese or go to an amusement park, so that’s the kind of stuff we usually plan.  But for the last 3 or so years we’ve never been able to go through with our plans, One or both kids have been sick… usually tossing their cookies on me at some point during the day! (They both think it’s so funny that they’ve thrown up on me on my birthday, we were laughing about it today!)

So this year, as part of my weekend, I wanted to do something special for both of them, Lucy got to go to The Long Beach Aquarium with Aunt Angela and Bing was going to spend the day with Grandma and I doing his favorite thing, Bowling!

Bing was so excited, we saw Lucy off and wished her a shark filled day, then we got everything we needed: Ronald McDonald bowling ball, bowling shoes and “Bowling Girl” T-Shirt.  Grandma came and picked us up and as we drove to Pickwick every large building we passed, Bing asked “Is that the bowling alley?”  When we arrived he was ecstatic telling Grandma ” I’ve been here before, I love bowling!”

We suited up and entered names into the computer, it was going perfectly… well for 2 frames!  On Bing’s third frame, he picked up his ball, and as he stepped up onto the lane, he tripped and fell.  Down he went, ball driving his hand into a broken board on the edge of the lane.  He instantly started to cry, I picked him up and Grandma ran for ice.  I knew he had pounded his hand, but when he opened it for me to check it was covered in blood, he had cut it too!  It looked like a deep gash, we decided there was no time to wait, he was crying hysterically, we had to go to Urgent Care.

If there is a bright side to an injured child, it is how attentive medical personnel are to them.  At Rapid Care in Burbank they instantly took him in, and Dr. Duran looked him over A.S.A.P.  They determined that at the least he needed to be stitched, I explained that he had been glued before and it was less traumatic, they checked and were out of glue, so they referred us to Rapid Care in Glendale.

We loaded back into Grandma’s four door ambulance and headed to Glendale, Bing was still crying and in pain, it was heart breaking.  When we got there they again took us right in, the Doctor there took a look and decided the cut was too extreme for glue and that we would have to go to an emergency room, so without haste it was back into the car and to the emergency room where I have before received excellent care, St. Joe’s in Burbank (Although since my days in Burbank the name is now Providence ST. Joseph’s).  When Mexico tried to kill me by infecting me with the nastiest bug I’ve ever had that’s where I went.

Once again, they give so much attention and rush the little ones in, we waited only briefly.  The admitting nurse was very kind and professional and decided that seeing as my little manwich had 6 lbs of Ronald McDonald red bowling ball land on his tiny fingers, a X-Ray was in order.  The X-Ray tech took us in and as Bing sat on my lap, she took a couple pictures of his little bandaged hand.

Then we followed a blue line painted on the floor to a blue “X”, there they already knew we were on our way and we only briefly waited again.  Once in the examination room, bing and I sat on the bed, he hadn’t let me put him down since the injury occcured.  Dr. Ignatczyk came in to check out the damage, she was so kind and comforting, the perfect healer for a tiny person in pain, and informed us that Bowling Girls finger was in fact broken.  She ran through what was going to happen with the stitching of the cut and setting of the finger and then went to prepare.  Just then, Bing’s Mom appeared in the doorway, he was excited to see her.  Now he had Grandma, Mommy and Daddy there, which was good, because this was the most trying part.  They had to inject his finger to two spots to numb it, you could see the pain in his eyes as we all helped calm and hold him down.  It is the worst thing as a parent to watch, your child in intense pain, screaming, tears flowing, knowing there is little you can do.  I think the process of sewing only took 5 minutes or so, but it seemed like hours.

When it was done, he had 2 stitches and a finger wrapped to ten times his normal size.  When it was over he finally calmed down, and we could all relax.  Again I want to thank Dr. Ignatczyk and Damian in the ST. Joe’s ER, there would have been no one else I wanted to tend to my boy, they were great!

Equally horrible, as the days events and the pain and tears in Bing’s eyes, was knowing that I don’t have health insurance for my precious children, It is horrible to have to even think about how you’re going to pay for this, when all you want is your child to be better.  Luckily, I have family to help (Thanks Grandma!!!), but I thought of the people who’s lives are not only destroyed by the illness and injures to their children, but the bills that come after.   I was watching something last week and they had a family on who lost one of their twins to cancer (I think), and they spoke of the pain and loss, and it was heart breaking, but also they had to figure out ways to pay off the bills of this tragedy… It is so horrible to think about on so many levels!

Anyway, today, we sit here, the day before my actual birthday, Lucy playig with her Littlest Pet Shop toys and Bing sitting on the couch, beat from his medications and the stress of the day before watching Sponge Bob and propping his mummified finger over his head and all I can think is I wish I had been thrown up on instead!

The Funny Thing About Pain

Monday, January 4th, 2010

I noticed, as the kids were here on their last visit, that they feel everything.  Every bump, every bang, every thud is felt with all it’s power.   Bing will run to me after any slip or blunder and request a kiss… and it breaks my heart every time.  Lucy goes through our band-aid supply like it’s water and yet rarely bleeds, the band-aid is just a tool to quite the very real, very temporary pain of that immediate  situation.

My kids feel every impact, they are effected by every bang and bruise…  I often find a cut or bruise I cannot explain.  blood stained shirt or raw wound that I realize in the shower or when clothing rubs against the point of earlier injury.

I was once a Bing or Lucy, feeling all that broke the skin.  I would cry to my Mom (my Dad no where to be found).  I would know how every drop of blood was shed.

Now, almost 40, I will find cuts and bruises days later.  Clothes stained and not revealed until I find them in the laundry.  physical pain almost ignored…. and yet mental pain, more real than ever.

When my parents got divorced I don’t remember how it felt… I know I gained weight and isolated myself (looking back), but I honestly don’t remember what I felt.  To this day, I can flash back on walking in on my wife embraced with her new husband (while she was still my wife!) and remember exactly how I felt.  I re-live it in dreams and face it on every exchange, and I have asked myself why?

As far as I can figure there are a few reasons.   When I was young I protected myself, realizing the hurt that was upon me, I blocked it.   I can honestly say for the first 30 years of my life there was only one person who could have hurt me, my sister, who had always been there for me through all the crap in my life.  And then I met my wife, I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t instant, but I grew to trust her more than anyone, and I thought we were bound forever… I trusted her more than anyone.

All that I told her, my deepest secrets shared, were used against me.   She betrayed me on so many levels it is almost unbelievable, and yet I still feel pain.  Why can’t I be like I was when I was young?  When I could shield the pain, not feel it?  I now live in a time when I can bleed without knowing and cry for someone I know longer know.

I don’t know my Ex, she is someone in her current state I would never even notice, who has morphed into what she needs to be now, no longer the woman I loved… And yet, I remember that woman, I long for her.  I will probably never see her again, exchanging my kids with a stranger, but I miss her, and I compare others to that memory.

I live a failing life, hope a thing that is easier spelled than realized, longing for a woman that no longer exists.  My heart broken, pieces swept, but unable to be re-assembled.   She building a new lie, me living the old.

I wish I could feel the pain of every cut and bruise… and forget the blows and kicks to my heart that no one can see, and only I miss.