DadJack.com Blog

Every small town has it’s quirks…  Now I know what you’re thinking, you grew up in Burbank, CA with a population just shy of 100,000, that is not a small town!

It has always felt like a small town to me.  I take my kids to the same restaurants my Mom took me to… Many of which still have some of the same employees.  When I walk the streets I often run into friends or get a honk from a passing car from someone I know.  To sound really cheesy, there are a bunch of places where people know my name… And not because many years ago I was on the radio, but because I have lived here for many years before that.  It may not be demographically a small town, but is socially and emotionally a small town to me.

Now back to the quirks.  One of the strange things about Burbank is that there is a flock of green parrots that fly around town.  The story I have heard is that there was a fire at an arboretum or an aviary… or somewhere they have green parrots, and the only way to save the birds from burning alive was to release them.  This story does not explain why they ended up in Burbank?  It’s not exactly jungle like here?  All I know that for long as I can remember I have encountered this flock of birds randomly around the city, somewhere in a box there are photos I took of them for a high school photography class assignment.

You always notice them, they squawk loudly… not like the tweets of the little brown birds that fill our cities trees or the coo’s of the doves I see picking seeds from our lawn.  They’re loud, like the birds at the zoo, their cries break through the normal sounds of the city.

Tonight as I walked my borrowed dog (I’m dog sitting for my Mom’s girlfriend) they flew overhead as I walked down Magnolia past the Mom and Pop shops, small restaurants and sporadic new businesses squawking loudly… even the dog noticed.  We watched them fly into the suburban sunset.

We returned to my apartment just after sunset, still warm from the day’s heat, empty of life except for two beta fish, scattered toys still strewn about from the kids last visit.  The dog, lied on the floor still panting lightly from our walk.  I sat on the couch, in front of an empty TV screen, feeling alone looking at the toys that seem joyless without small hands wrapped around them.  Sometimes my new normal of only being a part-time parent strikes me, I miss having my kids daily, being a full part of their lives… And they mine.  Then I heard that squawk, right outside my window, from a tree right across the street…  I felt at home, someplace familiar.  No matter how alone I am I will always have my small town.

In the last few days Bing and I have had a chance to spend some time alone together.  He is a man after my own heart, he likes to stay local, to have a spot to go to, to be a “regular”.  When we lived in North Hollywood he would get excited as we drove by Panera and tell me “That’s where we hang out.”  It’s taken us a few months, but he has grown to enjoy Porto’s, albeit not as cozy a place to hang out, but we can sit at a small table along Magnolia, play I spy or name passing cars and have a potato ball or chocolate croissant (Bing’s favorite).  The extremely popular Cuban bakery is about a 5 block walk/ bike ride from our apartment, and the journey there has become just as important as the chocolate covered pastries.  We have a few different routes with different things to look at along the way…  we gaze in store windows, admire cars in the midst of repair, look for local cats that we know, it’s always an adventure.

Early this weekend we were making the trek back home, Bing on his “big boy bike” and me on foot, when Bing quickly stopped.  This is not unusual, Bing is a skid mark artist…  Taking great pride in the black streaks he leaves on the pale gray concrete.  But this stop was not inspired by the desire to leave a black rubber stripe on a Burbank walk way.  He saw something that caught his eye.  There on the sidewalk, perfectly preserved was the impression of a leaf in the concrete.  A leaf that had fallen from a nearby tree an unknown number of years ago and landed in fresh, wet concrete, leaving an exact impression of itself.  He was amazed by this, he got off his bike, touched it, examined it and even found near by leaves to compare to this image.

We continued home along our path, stopping to pet a local cat that we always see, making it home to move on to our next activity.  Hours later, out of the blue Bing looked at me and said “Dad remember that leaf?”  He was still thinking about it, after playing Wii and watching  How To Train Your Dragon he was still thinking about that leaf .  Now it has become a must see on our journey home, no matter what route we take to Porto’s we have to pass the leaf on the way home.

The kids were here a couple extra days this week because their Mom was traveling.  It was so cool to have them here midweek, I got to take Lucy to school a couple times (Getting the chance to see her accept the “Good Deed” award at morning assembly .)  This extended stay ended today, I dropped Lucy off at school and then Bing and I spent the day together, the plan being their Mom would pick Lucy up from school and come and get Bing…  And this is how things went, except when they came to pick Bing up he and I were relaxing on the couch recovering from a Porto’s visit, so he wasn’t ready to be exchanged when the door bell rang.  I needed to put his shoes on and gather his things.  I opened the door and told my Ex that I would have him ready in a minute, Lucy burst in to get somethings she wanted to bring back.  I invited my Ex into the entry way.

Lucy was excited about her Halloween costume and wanted to put it on and model it for her Mom, I sad no but that she was more than welcome to take it with her and wear it all night for her.  Then she asked if she could show her Mom her room… I said no, not because I have anything to hide, but because this is my house and I didn’t want my Ex going on a tour.  I have been put through much pain over the past three years, forced into horrible situations, struggled and slowly tried to rebuild life.  My Ex made it abundantly apparent she wanted out of my life and I have left no room for her in my new life.  Lucy kept pressing the issue, and my Ex did little to distract her… A simple we have to get back on the road before traffic gets bad would have worked.  So I finally said yes, and away they went through my little apartment back to the kids room.  It was fairly uneventful, Lucy showed her the room, her toys, the surviving fish.  They came back out, we said our goodbyes and they were on their way.

I went for a walk after they left, I was really upset.  I felt violated, I didn’t want her in my house…  I knew that Lucy didn’t understand and it was harmless on her part, but I still was upset.  I realized this is the rest of my life.  Forced to spend time with someone I don’t want to, my life will constantly be invaded against my will.  Never really being able to achieve a “new life.”

I walked across Burbank thinking about this, feeling down about the reality of the situation.  Without really thinking about it I found myself on our Porto’s path home.  I walked up on the concrete leaf shroud and I thought about Bing and how about much like my “violation” earlier that afternoon was stuck in my head, this leaf had been stuck in his.  And I decided that Bing had it right, I’d rather think about how cool it is that a leaf had fallen into wet cement many years ago and we can still see it today.  I can’t wait until we get to walk by it together again.

I went for a long walk today.  It was a beautiful day today, it was what I call “fake hot”, because every time you were shielded from the direct sunlight you could feel the coolness of winter hiding in the shadows.  The path I choose was a tour of my old life and my new one.  I started out in North Hollywood where I live alone, in my small apartment, unemployed and lately, feeling hopeless.  I headed south down Lankershim to Riverside Drive and went East.  There I walked the sidewalks of my past, the places I went when my life was going at it’s best, the restaurant and bars where everyone knew me, the boutiques my wife would shop while I sat holding her purse.  Past the building I met her in, where I worked with the greatest people, the setting of my daughters first birthday.  I headed North up Hollywood Way, passing the street I lived on in High School, and continued West on Magnolia, heading right back towards reality.

I noticed that as my walk went on I would turn up my Ipod, normally I keep it at about half volume, allowing me to hear the outside world as I slowly pass it on it’s white concrete sidewalks.  But today, I wanted to be alone in public, just me walking… And to be honest, I could have just kept walking, until my legs gave out.  The sounds of the valley, of my small world, blocked out, I viewed all I passed with my own soundtrack, and my own inner dialogue.

What if this is it? All of my dreams realized, what if all I have left is who I am?  And if so, who am I?  I have always defined myself by things so easily taken from me… Husband, Radio Producer, Father.  Who am I now?  I will never be the husband I once was, I don’t think I can again be as trusting and open, after having those things used as a weapon to destroy me.  It’s been a year and a half since I have been able to make a living in radio, and the future of the industry is uncertain, so that may be over too.  I am still a Father, but only a percentage of the time, who am I the 70% of time that I am childless?

I have considered giving up the blogging and podcast, removing myself from all public forums.  But I haven’t figured out if it is really over yet?  I haven’t figured out who I am.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll walk in a totally different direction, maybe I’ll stumble upon me?

This year is flying bye… Slow down, what’s the hurry!?!? It’s always kind of empty the day after the kids leave, you go from noise and craziness to quite and loneliness. I did get a nice long walk in and spent some time sitting at my table at Panera at Chandler and Lankershim watching the valley walk past. Kanye has been the talk of the town… Let’s just all agree, he’s a douche bag! Did you watch the new primetime Jay Leno? Stretch and I stayed at CRN to watch, it was good, although not really different from the old tonight show and I think in a few weeks the novelty will fade and people will want to watch scripted shows… Although, I could be wrong? I have to admit, I’m still enjoying Conan, I find him very funny and witty.

You may want to skip that shower.  Terror raid in NYC.  Congrats Colin.  Another good line-up for the Bridge School Benefit.  What a weird, gross story.  Where did I leave that kid?  That was a big fire!  Even Obama hates Kanye.  Don’t steal bikes.

Daddy's Big Girl - The First Day Of Kindergarten

Daddy and Lucy on Day 1 of school

Rock On, Jack